Why I Love Bullying

This is one of my all-time favorite topics to discuss with community members. My experience has offered me innumerable opportunities to examine and reexamine my perspective on bullying. Here are 3 reasons why I LOVE bullying:

1. Space for A Community-Driven Approach.

   Bullying offers an opportunity to discuss what different meanings different words have for different individuals, and troubleshoot in real time. Then, we have meaningful, present conversations and boundaries based on REAL happenings.

   
   

In our classroom, we have agreements that are created by the community. None of our agreements are "no bullying", but many of them are boundaries that you may deem to fit under the bullying category, such as:

• Ask before you touch someone, or something that doesn't belong to you

• We don't hurt each other on purpose. We DO find creative solutions to our problems. We ask for help if we can't find a way by ourselves, and we forgive ourselves and each other while we are all learning.

• We agree to work together.

So, as you can see, we don't allow bullying, but we also don't exclusively prohibit it. "Bullying", depending on how it is defined by the individual experiencing or performing the act, is going to happen. Hitting is going to happen. Throwing things is going to happen. Copying relentlessly and nagging is going to happen. It is all developmentally appropriate, and allowing learners to have their needs of hitting, throwing, copying, nagging, etc. being met is the first step.

No, this doesn't mean that they get to hurt others without natural consequences. But once they do, we now have a beautiful chance to learn more about each other & our environment, and to discover and implement boundaries...and maybe even update community agreements.

You might be thinking, "Okay sure, fine, for younger kids. But what about older ones?" ...so let's get to point 2.

2. A Chance to HELP the Bully.

When a learner is getting labeled as a bully, no matter their age, this is the moment to remember that BOTH parties need help. Yes, of course the learner who is being hurt in the present moment via words, physical action, or manipulation needs help. But so does the learner inflicting the harm.

There is always, always, a good reason an individual is displaying harmful behavior towards themselves or others. All behavior is a clue. And "bullying" behavior is a clue that the learner has needs that aren't met. Usually, it's easier for us to understand and work through this with younger children. But I'm here to put a call to action on applying this to older children even more importantly, because clearly they have gone more years without having assistance with needs being met, being heard, coregulation, or access to emotional intelligeneince practice. A first step here could offer a space to allow the individual to express their needs, and get closer to understanding why the behavior they are displaying is occuring. A huge gap in our society that needs bridging is assuming that age means proficiency with skills. You can schedule a 1:1 consultation on Behavior with me, or stay tuned for our upcoming in-person and virtual classes on the subject!

3. A chance to befriend our own Inner-Bully

As we get to know our community and those we serve better through bullying, we also get to know our own inner-bully better, and vice-versa. Through this process, we master more skills that help us hold space, forgive, and understand bullies. After all, we are always going to be the worst bully we will ever know.

The more time we spend practicing being an observer of our own experience inside and out, the better we get to understand humanity & behavior in general. When we can practice taking a deep breath when something triggering is occuring, instead of being reactionary so fast- we allow presence and spaciousness to ripple out to our community. When these skills are practiced and integrated, we become much better allies towards ourselves, and those we care for. This includes "bullies" as well as those who feel they are being bullied. Every single person is going to experience both sides of the bully coin in their lifetime, so it is a great blessing to be able to understand why these characteristics of our personalities exist, how we can nurture our inner-bully, and therefore more easily nurture (all) those we care for in a more understanding, wholesome way.

If you're ready to start befriending your inner-bully, please contact me for a mentorship consultation.

With gratitude, Amber