One of the most pivotal books I've read in my career is Beyond Behaviors, by Dr. Mona Delahooke. She offers this thorough guide to Teachers, Therapists, and Caregivers alike to try and help de-code behaviors and have a better understanding of humans-specifically younger ones.
Using the wisdom of the Polyvagal Theory, she helps us break down how children (and in my experience- many adults) need to be met with a "Body Up" approach to behavior, versus "Top Down". She also enlightens us on the importance of co-regulation with children, and how this is critical to helping them meet their needs.
My biggest take-aways from all of Mona's works is: how with just a little practice of observation and self-analysis, we can really show up for the learners in our lives, and help de-code their behavior. We are able to translate what their yells, cries, jumps, hits, freezes, and anything in between, are really saying.
So much of the time, we are either overriding children's intrinsic wisdom based on what WE (the caregiver) wants to see or what we personally need in the moment. Little do we know usually, that we are just making things harder for ourselves. Of course it's important for us to have our own needs met-but how can we better show up for the learners in our lives depsite that?
I hope you consider diving into Dr. Delahooke's books (like Brain Body Parenting) but in the meantime, I'll give you 5 of my own tips for observing behavior and co-regulating with children:
Can You Take a Deep Breath?
Yep. You hear me ask this question all the time. If we are going to be asking children this, then we better be practicing it ourselves. A deep breath in through the nose, and out through the mouth is a simple, quick and highly effective way to begin re-training our mind to slow down and become a better observer vs. reactor. It brings focus, a slowed heart rate, and fresh energy into the mix. Go ahead try 3 deep breaths now. It has to be practiced, not just thought about!
Can You Take a Step Back?
Step one makes step 2 easier. Yes, can you literally take a step back? Can we give those we care about a little space to feel their emotions without automatically trying to control the situation? Can we let the yells be yelled? Can we let the things be thrown (as long as there's no immediate danger of course)? Can we step back and notice all the pieces of the puzzle while we take our deep breaths? Did the learner self-regulate? Or do they need some co-regulation?
Can You Offer a Hug?
Once the behavior has happened, can we simply offer a hug? Sometimes physical connection is the healer of all heals.
Can You Ask Questions?
These steps sort of build on one another, and do take practice to move at such a pace-keep at it! But after you've taken a deep breath, observed the situation and behavior, offered a hug... Can you start to ask some questions instead of labeling and assuming for the learner? Can you ask things like, "How do you feel?", "Are you feeling sad/mad/hurt?", "What do you need?", "What's stopping you?", "Would you like some help?", etc. to set the stage for co-regulation, and eventually self-regulation when they are able to perform such a skill. ( Keep in mind, children under 5/6 don't generally have a whole lot of self-regulation skills. And many grown ups I know do not even possess such a skill). These questions will be the things your learner starts asking themselves-and others- in the near future if you're consistent.
Can You Reflect?
Reflection is a huge component of learning and integrating skills of any kind. When we practice self-reflection of our own behavior, and/or reflection with our learner after the behavior or before bed, we are able to re-program our minds and nervous systems for a more optimal outcome in the future. We are never going to be perfect, but we can have an intention of treating our bodies and minds well as time goes on. Reflection is a great way to do this. Maybe you journal, audio record it, or simply have a family meeting. You got this!
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Stay tuned for more insights and tips like this.
With gratitude,
Amber
Director of UES
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